


In Another Life

by innersanctuaries



Series: NaNoWriMo Short Fics [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 07:13:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12601148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innersanctuaries/pseuds/innersanctuaries
Summary: Alone, alone, alone with you.





	In Another Life

**Author's Note:**

> This was going to be a lot shorter, but as you may have noticed, it ended up NOT being a lot shorter. Half of this was written for NaNoWriMo, so that may be part of the reason why, but c'est la vie! Yes, I am participating in that. Yes, you guys will probably end up with a few more short fics along the way. Definitely yes, I will end up going insane about halfway through. 
> 
> Anyway, nobody's called me out on this yet, but I have a weird-ass writing style. It hasn't really come up in my other fics as of yet due to them either being too short or them just being fluff. So disclaimer: Most everything in this is deliberate. If there are missing periods? Deliberate. If there are words or phrases repeated several times? Deliberate. Not using commas at times? Most likely deliberate. Unless it's a horribly misspelled word, it's probably done completely on purpose because my brain decided that this is the style it likes and I've learned to just roll with it.
> 
> Inspo song for this is Steadier Footing by Death Cab For Cutie (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ibmndff7cU)
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy!

The cold brought him to his senses, kept him grounded, kept him _here_. Who wanted cold? Was it him? No, no, he wanted to forget. The cold brought him to his senses, but the bottle of amber warmth let him float away from here. Fire was better than blood, a much better drink than blood.

 

 It could kill him, he knew that much. Drink enough and he could fall into darkness. Sometimes he wondered if it would be cold, if he would end up in hell or disappear entirely.

 

“You know, sometimes I wish that I could get drunk too.”

 

 He knew, he knew that trouble had flown in. He knew that trouble would keep him grounded in a better way. He knew that he would give in all too easily.

 

 “I almost feel bad for you.”

 

 He didn’t expect a response, in fact, he almost hoped that he wouldn’t get one. Alone, alone was what he wanted to be.

 

  _Alone with him, just with him_

 

“So, what’s wrong?”

 

_Nothing, nothing, nothing at all. Nothing but the end of the world, all his fault_

 

 “What makes you think something’s wrong?”

 

 A snap of the fingers and Gabriel was holding a multicolored drink, sipping it and playing with the tiny umbrella.

 

“Could be the fact that you’re sitting out here in twenty degree weather with a bottle of whiskey, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and pajama pants.”

 

   _Why bother with a response? What good would it do?_

 

“Jesus, Sam. You’re freezing!” He almost hadn’t felt Gabriel’s hand touch his arm.

 

 “It’s fine,” He cursed his body for giving him away, shivering uncontrollably. “I’ll live.”

 

“Oh, fuck off,” Another snap and there was a heated blanket draped over his shoulders, the warmth eliciting a happy sigh. “See? Warm. Now scoot over, I’m cold too.”

 

 There were no complaints, although there should have been. But he was just so tired and so cold that he couldn’t push him away. With an angel cuddled up next to him, pulling the blanket around them tightly, Sam tried to will the tears in his eyes away.

 

 It had been so long, too long since anyone had shown him any kind of affection, any kind of genuine affection. Sure, he had Ruby, but he knew for a damn fact that neither of them actually cared. Their relationship, it was all sex and all business. It was rough and cold and detached. But this? This was a soft, warm body up against his, asking for nothing but giving everything he needed.

 

  _Comfort and silence, the kind that’s filled with every unspoken word you could ever think of_

 

“You’re quiet.”

 

 Sam nodded, leaning his head against Gabriel’s.

 

“You’re not as cold anymore, thank heavens,” A warm hand went to hold his. “Christ, your hands are like ice. C’mere, gimme the other one.”

 

 Sam leaned down and gave him a kiss instead. Both their lips were cold, but they were warmed from the inside out, the intensity of their emotions more powerful than anything the weather threw at them, more powerful than whatever the world threw at them. It ended with smiles, neither of them able to hide breathy laughs and dumb grins.

 

  _The first real smile he’d had in longer than he could remember_

 

 “I’m warmer now.”

 

 Smiles turned from happiness to sorrow, those were the worst, the most heartbreaking, and seeing them on the face of the one he’d had in his heart for so long made it all the more painful.

 

_He shouldn’t have been in his heart, not after all he’d done, but Sam couldn’t help it couldn’t help it he was so fucking beautiful he couldn’t_

 

“What’s the first star you saw tonight?”

 

 “I think,” Squinting at the night sky, he tried to find his star. Finally seeing it, he pointed up, stuffing his arm back into the warm blanket immediately afterwards. “I think it was that one.”

 

“Did you ever make star wishes, Sammy?”

 

 “I used to.”

 

“What happened?”

 

 “What happened?” The question tore a bitter laugh from his throat. “Life happened. Everything happened.”

 

 Humming, a warm body moved closer to him, pressed up against him. Again, there should have been complaints. He should have shoved him away, far, very far away. But he didn’t. All he did was try to press even closer, even if it wasn’t physically possible.

 

  _They couldn’t get any closer but god, he wished they could, he wished they could just meld into one. He was starved, he needed to be held and held and held for as long as they had left_

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever done it before,” A soft and sad whisper, breath tickling his ear. “Made a wish, said a prayer, any of that.”

 

 “Do you want to?”

 

“I don’t think I know how to.”

 

 “Here, I’ll teach you,” Sam gestured at the sky, the endless star spattered sky. “Which one did you see first?”

 

“The northern star. It’s right above you. I followed it here to find you,” Amber, molten gold, it looked upon him. “The northern star helps you find home.”

 

  _I can’t keep you, I can’t. We’ll all die anyway, we will. But I want to, I want to keep you here with me and never let go_

 

 “Just make a wish. It can be anything, from ‘I wish I would find a penny’, or ‘I wish for world peace’.”

 

“I wish we could do this.”

 

 He could play dumb, he really could, but what would be the point? They both knew it, both wished for it, both hoped a hopeless hope for it.

 

 “Why can’t we?”

 

Gabriel laughed, just as bitter as Sam’s had been. “Kid, the whole damn world is ending. Apocalyptic relationships probably aren’t the best things to try out.”

 

 “We could make it work.”

 

“I’m an archangel in hiding, and you’re a hunter,” Gabriel hid his face in Sam’s shoulder, muffling his voice. “I want to, so badly. But we can’t.”

 

 It was true, he hated how it was true. Anger and sorrow, that was all he felt. Not a single good thing, he wasn’t allowed a single one. But this one? This one was the worst thing to not have. This wasn’t a want, a wish, a prayer. This was a need, a desperate, sobbing need, and it was being taken from him.

 

 “Maybe in another life.”

 

“Yeah, maybe in another life,” Looking back up at him, Gabriel pulled him into another soft, sweet kiss. “One where I really would be an ordinary janitor in a shitty uniform, and you’d be an ordinary electrician in an even shittier uniform.”

 

 “One where you didn’t have wings and I didn’t know how to kill.”

 

“One where the world wasn’t ending and no angels or demons or anything existed.”

 

 “One where we could be happy.”

 

“Together. One where we could be happy together.”

 

 There was no need for words, they’d both said enough. They sat under the northern star, sat with each other, finally home.

 

 Human bodies, he’d decided, were terrible, and he resented them. His eyelids refused to stay open just around the time they got their first glimpse at the sun, the only thing reopening them was a soft kiss being pressed to his forehead.

 

“It’s time for you to go sleep, Sammy.”

 

 “M’ not tired.”

 

“Liar. You’re barely awake.”

 

 “Don’t make me leave you,” Sam whispered, trying his hardest to convey everything he couldn’t say. “Please.”

 

_Don’t make me go, don’t make me leave, I don’t know when this’ll happen again, don’t know when I’ll see you again_

 

“Hey, don’t think like that,” A kiss pressed to his forehead, the tip of his nose, his lips. “I’ll be back for this again.”

 

 “You can’t promise me that.”

 

“No, I can’t,” He reached behind him and winced, just for a moment. “I can give you this, though.”

 

 Nothing, nothing he’d ever seen before _(or would ever see again)_ was as radiant and bright as the soft, golden feather he now held in his hands. Nothing was as radiant, nothing but the angel the feather belonged to. Nothing but his eyes, the ones that shone brighter than the rising sun.

 

  _There was worry in those eyes, he could see it. Worry that he wouldn’t be back, that they’d never see each other like this again. That the world would end without anything being said, without them ever saying a thing_

 

“You can’t lose it. It won’t let you. Unless you really want to, in which case it’ll just _poof!_ ”

 

 “And it’ll just be gone forever?”

 

“Dunno. Maybe it’ll come back if you want it badly enough.”

 

 Leaning down for a kiss, he rested his forehead on Gabriel’s. “I think I love you.”

 

“I think I’m a homicidal asshole who hurt you beyond belief,” He wouldn’t look Sam in the eye. “I know I’m sorry and can never make up for that.”

 

 “Well I think that I forgave your dumb ass a while ago.”

 

 Gabriel furrowed his brow, not sure how to react.

 

  _God I hope you love me too I really do I hope I hope I hope_

 

“I do love you too. A lot.”

 

 Breathing out a sigh of relief, he pulled him into a passionate kiss, one full of knowing that this might not happen again, that they might be too goddamn dead too goddamn soon for it to happen. They knew, but they didn’t care, it wasn’t the time to care.

 

  _They came up for air, he hated that they needed air, hated it_

 

“You never made your wish.”

 

 Silence, thinking, mulling over the million different things he had flitting through his head. All the things he wanted but couldn’t have, the things that a wish might give him.

 

 “I wish that we’d both make it through this and find each other again someday soon.”

 

 Silence, thinking, mulling over what had just been said, a sad look creeping its way onto Gabriel’s face.

 

“It’s time to go home, Sammy,” One last kiss, silencing a complaint _(just one, even if he did want more than he knew he’d ever get)_. “See ya later, kiddo.”

 

 He woke the next morning with no reminder of what had happened but a golden feather on the pillow next to him.

 

  _A story, a memory, a silent promise, an unsaid ‘I love you’_

  


_A quiet wish for hope_

 

__________

 

 The cold brought him to his senses, kept him grounded, and it kept him right here.

 

_Take me away, take me far away_

 

He didn’t want the cold, he didn’t want warmth, he didn’t want anything. The cold brought him to his senses, but the bottle of clear warmth made him forget, and that was the last thing he wanted.

 

  _Amber liquid, it was better, far better than the cruel hellfire disguised as water. But that color, that loved and loathed color, he couldn’t look upon anything but the clear bottle_

 

He wanted something, something gone, someone gone, an angel gone.

 

 They’d both known it, they’d both known that they wouldn’t come out of the hotel unscathed. He’d thought that they’d both disappear, none having to carry the burden of this guilt, this _knowing_ that they could have done something about it all.

 

  _But you couldn’t have, could you? No, it was all inevitable, a sacrifice needed to be made, and you were not permitted to make that sacrifice_

 

 He could have, they knew that he could have, for the Devil would not have laid a single finger on him. The Devil would have left him and let them live.

 

  _But that wouldn’t have happened, and you know that, and he knew that_

 

 There was no goodbye, nothing verbal. Nothing, nothing, nothing, just a silent apology, a silent promise of love.

 

_He’d seen Gabriel glance up at the stars, the north star directly beneath them. He’d seen Gabriel murmur something, whisper a wish. He’d never know what it was, maybe he had never been meant to know in the first place_

 

Hellfire burned his throat, the cold made his body numb, the memories made him something. He didn’t know what, but they made him something.

 

  _“Maybe in another life. In one where you didn’t have wings and I didn’t know how to kill.”_

 

 He’d chosen the wrong words, because now? The only wings Gabriel had were the ashes burned into the hotel floor, beautiful and enormous. Sam knew they had been the color of the feather in his hand, a color that made the sun shy away and turn green with envy.

 

 He’d chosen the wrong words, because now? He had no idea how to kill Lucifer, none at all, not a single clue. There was no hint, none would tell him, none could tell him, no matter how hard he tried.

 

  _Kill him, kill him like he killed your angel. See his wings on the floor, the wall, the ceiling, whatever damn surface is the closest, just KILL HIM_

 

 Now, they may not have been in a different life, but his words had come true. Gabriel had no wings, and Sam didn’t know how to kill. That hadn’t been their wish, no, not at all. Yet of all the things they’d said, that was the one that had come into being in the worst way possible.

 

 Now, he was alone in the same field they’d been in before, looking up at the stars. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t blame them for what had happened, couldn’t blame them for not granting their wishes. No, no, he was the one at fault, the reason all their wishes had been ignored, destroyed.

 

  _Everyone knows that wishes don’t come true if you say them out loud_

 

Staring at the stars with a heavy heart, he wondered if his angel was looking upon him. When he looked up, he suddenly knew for a fact that he was alone, truly alone. It was what he wanted in the beginning, what he used to ask for, but now? It was like a dagger plunged into his chest.

 

 He fell asleep in the middle of the field, no moon in the sky. Pitch blackness.

 

 He fell asleep in the middle of the field on a night that the sky mourned. He fell asleep on a night without a northern star.

  
_“The northern star. It’s right above you. I followed it here to find you. The northern star helps you find home.”_

**Author's Note:**

> I'm tryin real hard to not write angst, but my brain doesn't seem to like fluff!! I'd say I feel bad for subjecting you guys to this, but I'm really not <3 
> 
> I really hope you guys enjoyed this! Please comment feedback, it both helps keep me going and helps me know what you guys do and don't like!
> 
> Follow me on Instagram at @archangelica_angelica or on tumblr at innersanctuaries if you want to get in touch or just to watch me shitpost!


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